My Writings are My Therapy

I’m a hot-tempered guy, I admit that. Maybe for the first impression, I look just fine and happy person. But deeper, I just can’t control my temper if something happen not like I expected to be. My wife told me about this kind of view that I had today. I know she was trying to tell me long time ago, but I just got mad and getting our relationship worse.

The most victims were my family, my wife, kids even my in-laws and parents. And I am really sorry for my temper burst out back those days. Well, things happened and can not be turn back time and fix it. I can only fix from this day and onward. I also admit that the pains, scars and maybe bitterness will remain there.

From the starting 2019, I started to write more often and this year will be my point of no return. Not daily writing yet, but starting more frequent. The impact is positive. I get more flexible as I read and write a lot of things. And I understand how to pour out my problems, my temper into writings.

My writings are based in my real life problems. Also most of them were ignited from my attitude.

I tried to write since high school, but never get into the right pace and right moment to write. As my life continue, I got lost the willing to write and leaving it behind. I lived in my own pain and bitterness, creating shells and if someone trying to crack it, I will burst out violently. It carried along until I got married, had children and until 2018.

Days in 2018 was the darkest days of my life. I almost losing every precious pieces that I have. I realize that was not right and something got me wrong along those days. I know the problem, but I just can’t do this alone. I read a lot of personality writings, relationship writings and religious writings. I gave up to God. I was helpless, but I don’t want to share it to anyone even to my closest people as my wife. Then I start to write, as I must fight my own fear in writing. I joined Medium, applying WordPress, Journey, Evernote as my point of no return. I released things that dragged me down and with a lot of sleepless night, many cups of coffee, I getting up again.

Now, I grow up better as my wife saw the progress. She keep me informed about my changes even still I don’t tell her anything about my problem, my way-out and my progress in writing or in any subscriptions. I must refresh my relationship, even it will be hard to do this since I lost a lot of trust from my family. I even got nickname from my oldest son as grumpy dad. Ouch!

The only thing I need to get out of my life is my smoking habit. Still in progress and trying hard.

Who cares if one more light goes out? In a sky of a million stars

If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?

In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers

Who cares when someone’s time runs out?

If a moment is all we are
We’re quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do

That’s the reffrain of Linkin Park’s song titled One More Light. Not long after I read the lyrics and know a bit about Linkin Park, I found this song really have deeper meaning rather than just an ordinary song. Specially for the vocalist. Linkin Park’s songs mostly tell about bitter life of someone living in someone else’s shadow. It’s about dissapointment of parents to their child and vice versa.
Maybe, most of us have same condition as the songs. Admit or not, we, as child could felt disappointment to our parents and as parents would felt the same to our child. Surely we will live in vicious circle of disappointment and bitterness. For the truth, I did. I did felt bitterness and disappointment to my parents, so did them. As far as I remember, I started to get disappoint in age 4. Since then, layer by layer of disappointment covering me for each passing years, creating bitterness. Built up so bitter until one moment I said clear enough to my wife that I will never feel sad if my parents died.

My wife is a religious woman. She suggested me to visit counsellor from her Church, to break the vicious circle. I did visit, but firstly just to make her happy. But I got realise those circle is there and I will be in there forever unless I break it. So that moment, is the third times I can feel God really near. Just waiting for me to reach Him. In short, I talked to my parents, open up each pain that I ever felt to them. And feels so light afterward.

We always have choices. Whatever it is. And each choice we take always have risk, known or unknown and good or bad. FYI, when I still in bitterness, I even had planned some ways to destroy my parents even killed them. Kind of a perfect plan, from destroying their life, kill, erasing traces and evidences. Because I would not commit suicide, but I do make someone hurt me suffer as much as I do.
That was in the past.
I was in the vicious circle of my own revenge. Then I hurt someone that should not be hurt. That makes me realize, I was so wrong. I hurted my family.

I’m in the way to fix the problem. But scars will remain. I hope I will be forgiven.

Renungan Harian 9 Feb 2019

Haze, 29°C

Jl. Letjen S. Parman No.Kav 21, RT.12/RW.1, Tj. Duren Sel., Grogol petamburan, Kota Jakarta Barat, Daerah Khusus Ibukota Jakarta 11470, Indonesia

Renungan Harian
Sat, 2/9/19

Bacaan: 2 Samuel 3:6-21
Setahun: Imamat 22-23

Lawan Menjadi Kawan
Lalu Abner mengirim utusan kepada Daud dengan pesan: “… Adakanlah perjanjian dengan aku, maka sesungguhnya aku akan membantu engkau untuk membawa seluruh orang Israel memihak kepadamu.” (2 Samuel 3:12)

Dalam hidup ini, kita tentu pernah bertemu orang yang tidak menyukai atau bahkan membenci kita. Ia mungkin juga selalu mencari cara untuk menjatuhkan kita. Suatu hari kita mendapat musibah dan orang itu kebetulan mengetahuinya. Siapa sangka, bukannya menghina, ia justru menjadi orang pertama yang menolong kita. Peristiwa tersebut benar-benar merupakan campur tangan Allah!

Abner adalah panglima tentara Saul. Selain berpengaruh, Abner juga sangat setia. Setelah kematian tuannya, ia tetap berpihak kepada keluarga Saul. Keberadaan Abner secara tidak langsung menjadi ancaman bagi Daud. Mengapa? Karena Abner dapat membantu Isyboset, anak Saul lainnya, untuk berperang melawan Daud. Siapa sangka, hari itu Abner mengirim utusan kepada Daud dengan pesan: “… aku akan membantu engkau untuk membawa seluruh orang Israel memihak kepadamu” (ay. 12). Peristiwa tersebut tidak lain karena Isyboset, tanpa memeriksa terlebih dahulu kebenaran perkaranya, menuding Abner menghampiri Rizpa, gundik ayahnya (ay. 7). Bagi Isyboset, peristiwa itu dapat disebut kemalangan karena kehilangan panglima yang setia. Namun, bagi Daud, dukungan Abner jelas merupakan keuntungan yang tidak terduga.

Satu hal yang tidak dapat dimengerti oleh logika manusia adalah cara kerja Allah. Karena itu, jangan ragu untuk berdoa memohon pertolongan-Nya. Melalui doa, kita dapat menyerahkan segala sesuatu, termasuk hubungan kita dengan sesama. Dan lihatlah, Allah sanggup bekerja dengan cara yang sungguh tidak terduga! –LIN/


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Leave Out All The Rest

I picked up the title from Linkin Park’s Song, for a reason. Much happened in my life when I did just like the song’s title. And for some reason, I would like to have this song played when I passed away.

Just when I try to be serious in entrepreneurship and I know it will be hard to keep up the fixed income against fixed outcome. I have been struggling building network, ability and system to make this running well.
Once I read a daily devotion, about leaving all of my worries to God. Just do all the best, pray and leave out all the rest to God.
A lot of things happen after. I’m a husband also a father with two small boys. All the fixed outcome just increasing month by month. And still keeping it up to fullfil those bills.
Then my wife suggest me to search for job. To have some other fixed income rather than from her job, she is a working mom. Then I did search. I try to apply to some job vacancies, but either my grade from bachelor degree didn’t met their requirement (ouch) or my age is too old (almost 40 😀) made me failed.
But there is some miracles as the application ongoing. I received some good opportunity to handle some projects for my business.
If I looked back in every journey of my life and my business. I found some miracles happen when I just gave up everything to God. Not because I didn’t care about those anymore, but more of “I can not handle this alone and really tired to pursue with my own strength”
I realised that God ready to help. Just ask and give to Him.

I’m not a good and religious man after all. I made a lot of mistake to my family. Confession is for God in my private pray, I will never open it. But that’s hard, even to confess in prayer.
But then I gave up to God. Leaving all of my life. I read much to dream big, to have plan, to have strict schedule. But for me, I will leave all the rest to God. I know, maybe it is too naive, but these kind of experience happen to me. Not once or twice, but just too often not to realised it.
Some happened just beyond expectation. But I believe, God just give in the right time and excactly just I need, not I want.
Matthew 6:25 (KJV) Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
Like this writing world. I really want to do this a long time ago. But, I never try to start, because a silly reason, I was afraid to publish it. I wrote some, still not everyday though, but trying to keep up to write everyday. Just like the title, “Leave Out All The Rest”

Renungan Harian

Renungan Harian

Renungan Harian
Selasa, 08/01/19
Bacaan: Lukas 22:47-62
Setahun: Kejadian 22-24
Menghadapi Kegagalan
Sebab tujuh kali orang benar jatuh, namun ia bangun kembali…. (Amsal 24:16)
Demi memenangkan kontes, Teddy selama enam bulan tekun berlatih memainkan piano. Rupanya, perjuangannya belum membuahkan hasil. Ia kalah. Namun, ia tidak kecewa. “Sebelum mengikuti kontes, aku mempersiapkan diri bukan hanya untuk menyambut kemenangan, melainkan juga menghadapi kegagalan, ” katanya.
Banyak orang hanya selalu membicarakan kemenangan sehingga tidak siap ketika menghadapi kegagalan. Karena itulah, ketika mereka gagal, kegagalan tersebut terasa begitu menyakitkan. Padahal, jika ditelusuri, kegagalan bukan sepenuhnya merupakan mimpi buruk. Berbicara mengenai kegagalan, dua murid Yesus pada perikop hari ini juga telah gagal. Bayangkan saja, Yudas menjadi pengkhianat dengan menjual Gurunya dan Petrus menjadi seorang yang menyangkal Dia! (ay. 47-48, 56-60). Bedanya, Yudas kemudian bunuh diri (Mat 27:3-5), sedangkan Petrus menangis, menyesal, dan bertobat (ay. 61-62). Meskipun sama-sama gagal, Petrus memilih jalan yang lebih baik daripada pilihan Yudas. Peristiwa penyangkalan itu bahkan memberikan pelajaran besar baginya. Di kemudian hari, ia menjadi orang yang begitu berani memberitakan nama Yesus (lih. Kis 2:14-36).
Apakah kita baru saja menghadapi kegagalan? Jika ya, jangan biarkan kegagalan itu melumpuhkan semangat kita untuk kembali bangkit dan melangkahkan kaki ke depan. Yakinkan diri bahwa kemenangan bukanlah milik orang-orang hebat, melainkan milik setiap orang yang mau bangkit meskipun telah gagal! –LIN/

Tags: published, docs
January 08, 2019 at 10:27AM
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Going Your Own Way

Going Your Own Way

Going Your Own Way
Personal Growth
To: Me
Sunday, December 30, 2018, 01:17
Going Your Own Way
You’ll be tempted to follow the crowd. To not go your own way. Going your own way seems riskier. And sometimes it is. It may cause you to lose some relationships. It may invite criticism and persecution. It may require you to leave some money on the table. Maybe a lot of money.
But you’re not here to prevent those things from happening. You’re not here to impress people or to see how much money you can make. You’re here to learn something and to be something special.
That’s what it means to go your own way. It’s about knowing who you are, what you want, and what you’re here to do. You’re not going to be here long. Stop holding back. Put yourself out there.
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Tags: published, docs
December 30, 2018 at 12:58PM
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